My father's passing - backgrounds

Alright, I guess I've postponed this long enough now unlike last time around, so I think it's better I finally start speaking openly about stuff, if only to a certain degree as for now.

As such, based on this, please mind though that the following telling (for those interested) will only deal with the circumstances as to how my father exactly died and what (I think may have) lead to his (way too early) passing.

This means, I'll not talk (much) about any of my current (various) problems as for now until I deem the time right to do so - which will come, certainly, but not now (presumably, if lucky, in 1-2 weeks ahead, but as said, presumably).

Alright with that said:

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My mother's passing hit the both of us fatally, but him even more, for she had died in his arms while I was serving as lead for the ambulance - those pictures he never truly got out of his head.

And it's for that matter that even long after her passing, he couldn't get over her loss - at least internally.

While he'd pretend to be solid as a rock to every one of us, in reality, he wasn't. He'd often withdraw himself in his private rooms to go after little stuff here and then and wouldn't dare entering my mother's personal rooms and/or start letting go of things (as in items + memories).

I'd often talk to him about things and try to build him up, again, but while he'd take note of it to some degree, he'd never truly register what I tried telling him; rather prefering to keep things to himself and allow his sorrow and other worries to eat away at his heart (the fact that he wasn't that much of an emotional person either didn't help things either).

It's because of this as well as other, practical reasons, I'd stick with him and try to spent as much time with him together as possible (talking + other), especially the last months, even in spite of me having hit a (relatively short) depressing period as well in regards of my mother's passing.

But alas, it all would only help this much, for I couldn't give him what he needed and, again, like my mother, he refused seeking professional help (not even a doc until I pressured him about 2 months ago, but for different reasons) or allow people to truly connect and help him out.


At least that's the psychological aspect that's been going through his head - his inability to cope with the loss of his wife as well as other issues eating away at him over time.

Now as for the solely health-based aspects and how he died, it's a different story:

For years, since I was small, he had been suffering under rheumatism which, over time, had resulted in him not being able in lifting his left arm much and for his inability to move his head as well as hurts in his back for which he had been prescripted pills to take in to help cope with the pain.

At the day of my mother's passing, he supposedly forgot to take said painkillers only to find out he had no need for them and, following that, didn't take them anymore for the last year ahead.

Only in his last 2 weeks, the pain started, again, but again, he refused taking those anymore until 2-3 days away from his death in spite of the doctor having told him that his combustive-scales have been on the rise recently (and even when he took them in, he didn't take in the amount he normally would have been required to take, but only half the amount ultimately)

Even while he was actually sick, none of us did know it to be anything seriously, for the doctor hadn't detected anything else, nor was he feeling much differently - only that he was developing some sort of flu which would rather affect him in his rheumatism than what's the norm.

On Friday (23th Oct), though, he'd have serious amount of pain in his back and was sweating heavily, having almost resulted in me calling in ambulance had it not been for his reassurance that it was nothing and indeed it had calmed down after a short while.

While having been wary at first, I ultimately let go of it as he said himself that it was more or less common for him when having such a flu of sorts, needless to say that he had been one heavy smoker, hence the irregular sweating sessions - afterwards I wish I'd have listened more to my intuition, but even then it most likely wouldn't have changed much in the end.

On the day of his death, I had been on a long trip with him to run some errands, ultimately concluding in a vist to his mother (who happens to be a total wreck nowdays) before returning home at evening.

At my request I slept with him - as I had done the days before at that time span to look out for him - and thus spent the night with him in his cellar.

Around 23:30, I, having taken in a different sleep-schedule back then (meaning sleeping in earlier and waking up earlier the next day), would call it a day and start sleeping in.

Around five minutes before midnight then, I was almost at the verge of sleep and thus had my eyes closed, not seeing, but rather hearing the following events ahead:

My father stood up, passing my bedside in order to either get to drink something, use the loo or smoke something - I can't really tell what he's been up to - only to fall down at my bedside with a loud thud.

Since I wasn't asleep yet, I quickly stepped out of the bed, having assumed him in just having tripped over the carpet or one of our cats and thus having crashed down resultingly, only to find out that wasn't the case.

I'd turn him around, finding him barely breathing with a rattle in said breath, resulting in me trying to clear out his throat in case he had been choking on something, getting ambulance as well as my neightbor (who had been a long-time friend of the family as well as a basic-taught medic of sorts) in a time-span of roughly 5 minutes - but all in vain.

He partially had died in my arms (since I, again, was rather concerned trying to get help as fast as possible) in such a short amount of time...

The doctors who had examined him back then weren't much sure what he died of either (even police had to come since he apparantly had hit his head at my bedpost while falling down, even if I haven't seen him bleeding anywhere and that it hadn't been what ultimately had killed him) - their assumption had been that he either incured a stroke that ended deadly or a generic heart failure (though personally I rather stick to the latter).

Regardlessly of the cause though, again, in an quite unsettling way, they'd agree on one fact:

That he, like my mother before, wouldn't feel any pain at all at any point and that when he hit the floor, he already had been on the "other side" - coincidence much?

That's the overall reason why the overall psychological aspect up there exists of which I think I can deduce from what had lead to his demise - needless to add the suspicion how "outside-forces" may have additionally had a hand in his early passing so that he can be reunited with the one he had lost, again (and which, as being a kind of positive thought in the overall negativity, happens to be one of the only reasons which prevents me from descenting into despair/insanity at the moment).


Regardlessly of that, though, it doesn't change much how he still had meant much for me; having had a good core despite all the other matters having been eating away at him - all of which can be said the same for my mother; both of them have been good people in a special way, but had fatal flaws which they couldn't overcome and which ultimately had lead to their end.

In some way, it may have even been inevitable from the very beginning, even if I don't like to believe in that.

Still, it doesn't change much for me that they still had been people special to me and they won't be forgotten in a special way.

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Well, that's mostly about it, I guess - as said, all the other circumstances I have to currently fight with now, be it the consequences of his death as well as what's been going wrong with me personally the last months (dare I to say years?) ahead (and yes, there have been instances of that) (+ my personal enviromnent affecting me in a bady way), I'll come to talk about soon ahead, for I have to clear out some manners beforehand and have to wait for some results to truly come to do so as well.

Until then, I don't think there's anything else I can do as for now - as said in the past, I'm glad and thankful for any help that might come from you side and I'll most likely get back at some of you personally as well as generally as soon as all matters happen to be hooked off and I've a clear picture ahead of what's been going wrong the last years ahead (and of which I'll get to talk about them as well as various other matters on my mind I eventually wanted to talk (with you) about sooner or later).


Well, I guess that's all folks - see you around, I guess...