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Well, well, it may seem somewhat coming off as rather 'last minute' now and in a way it's like so, admittably - but then again, it's still within the old year and I did say somewhere within the week (if more weekend rather than week in common saying, but still), so it regardlessly counts.

Admittably, while having been able in cooling down a good deal upon the last days following much stressful ones, still, there's so much left in the open for me I wish I'd have managed in wrapping up before this year's end only to fail and be it mostly to be blamed on having to constantly fight on two battlefields at the same time - the one most nerve-cringing being the struggles of live as millions have to take on every day (and sure same millions doing so much worse than me) and preventing me from properly wrapping up those other matters found within the 2nd battlefield, ultimately.

Because of, it still happens to fall a bit hard on me focusing my thoughts even writing down this journal or rather rally my memories in regards to how all those last months went by (especially since the last time I truly did write a serious journal - as in since April then), so, even in spite of, I hope you'll bear with me if I'm going to do this now in a more summarized manner now than usual (though I guess this happens to come with much applaus/relief rather than anything out of my still not shaken off tendencies overblowing journals or keep myself more poignant/spared with my usage of word-count, ultimately).


So, how did (the rest of) 2017 went by on my side of the fence now?

Well, for one thing, especially around the time I last wrote my journal - aka April to May, I'd certainly find myself improving within my overall developement opening up towards others and become more advancing towards them and/or develope bonds with others.

Mostly, my side-job serving as secretary/accountant hybrid of sorts within a small private art/design school/studio (the same one I'd once undergo an internship as part of my newfound scholaric education those last 5 (normally 3, though, if not for all my private struggles and well-mantained connections with school staff basically allowing me in retaking those 2 final years respectively) would allow (or rather force :XD: ) me in opening up more towards fellow academic-colleagues and students undergoing the same path I once had to as well as lots of other customers of any age group a lot more than I ever could before, this in turn ultimately improving my levels of confidence within my enviromnent than ever in the past, granting me a newfound extend of authority and outward presentation/self-esteem I may have had to some degree before, but never this loose and surely not with same confidence to boost as more presently nowadays.

In that same vein, I'd ultimately manage in somewhat repairing an older based friendship in real live I managed in developing all on my own way back in 12th grade 3 years before instead of all those either 'fabricated' ones from my mother's end or ones non-existing, in the first place, only when having had to abandon same one back then out of my mother's growing jealousy in me finally developing some extend of backbone and start rebelling towards her years of manipulation and emotional abusement/blackmailing (again, all I once would refuse talking about even on the net, back then all labelled as 'arguments within the family' while nowadays I don't give a d*mn in the slightest anymore doing so, refusing in letting me bind down from such cases even posthumonsously :smoking: ) and for her declining physical and psychological health ultimately forcing me to such (though same friendship with her still remains rough at times when she in turn happens to be a bit more 'assertive' and unpredictable within her expressions of emotions and me not always knowing how to best act around her, ultimately (or rather my difficulties now suddenly supposedly to know entirely how to assert oneself social-wise beyond the basics and thus how to behave/let loose around others when never having had a chance to truly do so before (safe for here (= DA), but that one still different compared to real-live, regardlessly :no: )).

In relations to that, I'd come to enter some sort of 'post-puberty' of sorts as I'm gonna put it now as - mostly through same interactions with same students within same side-job - I'd ultimately come to develope a certain stand of 'sexual awakening' of such or, desire, rather to seek out what I consider my potential 'complement', a developement of sorts that'd sure catch me quite off-guard back then out of my rather thoroughly maintained 'asexual stand' 'til then (definitely not helped by the fact of my past experiences with girls, no matter the age, surely not having been great, but more dark ones either in my memory (and no, I certainly mean not in the way of the typical "boy tries wooing a girl only to ultimately embarass himself" kind of way (that'd have been the kind and more natural way to go (= again, social isolation preventing me from such)), but rather in having been as equally bullied by them for quite some time, stamped as 'weirdo' and 'freak' to be avoided at all cost, ultimately)).

This then newfound desire I ultimately deduce from the fact that, safe for my mentor-like figure of sorts (aka my (ex-)neighbor long mentioned in the past), my grandmother and potentially my so far sole true friend in real live, I practically happen to be all alone without much additional sources to rely on in real-live (again, emphasis on real-live, as, while I definitely consider here many as friends, it's regardlessly virtual and different, just not managing in remotely capturing all features that can be found within same real world, ultimately) (the rest of my family (safe for my mother's side of the family which I still am not fond of either after everything that happened between us and what I'd come to learn of them over the years, especially around the time my father died), I did manage in forging a well bond in the meantime as well, but with them out of reach most of the time, this supposedly not upholding much either, in the long run) which would ultimately form a sort of pressure in my mind having to develope a newfound friendship and, subsequently, deepgoing love-circle, eventually, so I'd have people at my side I could truly care about and - especially in regards towards a potential partner - love close to what I once had for my parents (in perticular my father, my mother, in spite of having meanwhile forgiven her for what she's done, still less so/differently out of same experiences still strong in memory, regardlessly) and, most poignantly, rely on in darker times - this one especially important out of the fact that, with her being the last out of our 'five-band' as I'll refer to it now (aka my parents, grandparents from my dad's side and me) and with me maintaining quite such a close bond to her in equal share as towards my father (well, surely helped by him having taken much after her ^^; ), it'll certainly pull me down into quite a dark place, again, as had my father's demise way back - with hers much more guaranteed to take place in soon upcoming years than his (hopefully not so soon; 5-10 would be best for sure, but still... :no: ) - and me not knowing whenever I manage going through the same amount of agony then as I had 2 years ago now, hence this all having ultimately formed up, in the process.


Unfortunately, though, I'd quickly have to see the folly behind my actions as - even though most of same groups of interns ultimately happen to be made up by girls most of the time (out of the art-based/design direction ultimately being more favored by same ones it seems (the most boys we used to have in a class back then would ultimately only be 7 then - 7 against, what, 28 or such?)) - I couldn't possibly hope to form such a deepgoing bond with them and be it only a friendship-based one - the reasons for such mostly being made out of them mostly interacting in ways I never could've hoped to keep up with (which I nowadays happen to understand better, though), but especially in regards to age, with the difference between them and me just being too great to overcome (most of them would ultimately happen to be 16 at the time of joining us, 16-18 being the ultimate range (a rare case being 19 at most), so, especially in regards towards my own recent birthday, you can see where the basic problem lies (yes, this having been something, I, too, would initially grow repulsed myself of for being attracted to such (not helped that some of them would ultimately claim in at least having had something with someone around my age by that point already), but given my upbringings and such, I'm meanwhile not surprised anymore that such a thing would come to take place, especially since this happens to be a thing for the past for me, again, out of reasons to be eventually disclosed))). This all wouldn't be helped by the fact that, next towards my secretary/accountant-based positions, I also happen to hold on towards a teaching position of sorts (also not helped in, too, having to grade same interns within, eventually), so this all would additionally gnaw on me for quite some time (something I nowadays consider quite ironic now, given my past aspirations of becoming a teacher only now having had to go through all the same troubles most of male teachers would ultimately be stereotyped with (all ultimately not helped by those astrocities brought upon by the Weinstein scandal back when all this had been much more relevant to me as nowadays :no: )).

Ultimately, though, once fully coming to terms with my reasons for doing so, I'd eventually manage growing out of same one as of roughly 2-3 months ago, managing in coming to full-terms with all of same newfound dispositions and desires and reprioritizing myself, aspiring in letting things develope more naturally, again, than enforce same ones (especially for afromentioned reasons) while at the same time not caring anymore who the 'complement' will eventually be and in what range in case so, in the end (at least if it still remains somewhat reasonable, especially given my continous developing age to be especially considered here) (yeah and so as to finally clarify here in what goes for my recent journal supposedly playing up all those big mysteries behind my cryptic messages and inclusions of a peculiar artwork done for me by :iconmentalcrash: supposedly hinting at something 'certain' in regards towards my overall developements, nope, this has been all about it, nothing else, only this, so for those who might have wondered about 'something else', I'm afraid the joke's ultimately on you there :lick: ).


Well, aside of that, most of the time I'd still tinker onto my 'writing-project' of sorts those months, having barely managed in wrapping up Chapter IX out of XII for my main actress now among other reasons, still refusing in undergoing any other activity, again, until I finally happen to be through with it the way it was originally planned - a circumstance that almost renders me depressive as of yet, again, out of having hoped in finishing things for real this year and ultimately starting the next one with a complete clean slate and purified spirit of sorts only when still being not the case for about 4 years now out of real live, among other, less time-consuming events, always managing in getting in the way of ultimately wrapping things up in a quick way, eventually (with my refusal of not letting go of also ultimately based on therapeutic reasons of sorts, not wanting in leaving things unfinished out of those very reasons, ultimately).


Well, aside of that, that's actually it as many other factors still happen to remain largely unchanged, as in:

- still living within the same household already proclaimed in the past (and thus inability setting up stuff to properly work on things, again)
- still searching for proper job/application training, preferably something within government or what reflects my skills best while still providing with steadyiness to some degree
- still continuing my studies, to be finished by 2019, ultimately, if unchanged



So, all in all, it's been a rather meek year now with little success to boot as of yet, though in regards to real live matters I've more favoribly come to terms with things out of seeing that, for the most part

- 2015-16 would rather mark the years where I'd rather have to fight for existential surviving without my parents' aid and secure a future I still could live in, even at the price of having had to forsake everything else in regards to coping much in regards towards all the grieving aspects and the like, those rather to be taken in by

- 2017 now where I'd finally (for the most part) be left with the time to truly come to terms with things as well as grow/develope in my persona in general and regain some of my old strenght/firmness, again, I emotional-wise wouldn't have nearly as much way back in 15-16 (and arguably even before then)

only remaining somewhat depressive about not having managed in cracking the big nut in regards towards personal projects - in peculiar afromentioned 'writing job' - and overcoming myself in many a guise within that kind of direction, ultimately.


So, all in all, for me, 2018 will supposedly mark the year now where I'll finally be able in most likely solving all of my remaining problems for good then, certainly in regards of finding a job then or at least something that will help me in that direction (with me already having such an option for, while my current side-job happens to find its closure in next March out of the school supposedly closing then (out of my boss having reached his 70s now and supposedly not finding anyone to take over for him (me included)), I already have managed in forging newfound contacts through him (sorta) towards local press through which I've meanwhile received an internship offer in return from their side of things (the potential of ultimate take-over/job offering most likely existent within as well then :D )), as well as finally finishing that very 'writing-project' that happens to tie me down so much in those last years now, still making up part of my 'old' live still to overcome for tying me down and all of my potential/further developements in character/personality (which is also one of the reasons why I'd step down from my pursue of further friendship/love-interests, for as long as that peculiar task happens to exist and/or me not seeking out potential 'assistance' in regards towards my (if not as severe as in 15-16 thanks to said job) still existing social disabilities of sorts, I'll never fully manage in successfully forming such bonds nor overcoming myself, ultimately)).


Well, this will certainly render 2018 quite an interesting, yet (hopefully) active year, again, eventually.

So, how has your year been? What happen to be your resolves for the next one ahead?

You certainly can add your thoughts in the comments and let me know if you want (or you can do the same within a poll I'm going to release later on).


For all of you, I certainly wish a Happy New (and hopefully successful) Year and good luck within same one, ultimately! :D
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Hello folks... ^^; :no:

yeah, it's been a while admittably (= understatement) and I sure am quite sorry for not even keeping things updated through a journal once in a while now either - the last of such coming already close to 8 months now (and not even much of an uplifting one either).

To be honest, quite a lot would come to take place in-between, if only in regards to my own 'personal journey' of sorts I'd undertake around, but especially since afromentioned last journal and many times I'd find as many reasons to share things with you and grant you access to my innermost thoughts and the like as against doing so - if only based on always something managing in popping up around next corner keeping me busy, again or so.

Especially back around April-May, I'd find myself faced with quite extraordinary changes/developements within same afromentioned 'personal journey' of mine of sorts not so unlike the way I'd ultimately come to use within my most recent (if not self-made (again, thank you for doing such, :iconmentalcrash: :D :thumbsup: )) gift or rather 'speech' used within for that certain special someone found within ^^; (though which ones I'm purposely going to keep vague now - gotta have to save up on at least some speculations and the like :XD: ), aka

Happy Girl, Happy Birthday by MentalCrash

But as said, most of the time something would pop up and I subsequently wouldn't feel like it either out of saving energy or really feeling down and the like - not much of an excuse either, I know, but still quite so. :facepalm:

Today I'm not going to do so either in that case out of something - for me personally at least - quite disrupting having managed in rendering me a good deal of upset at least, again (another certain adjective starting with a 'd' would certainly fit better here, but me surely not bringing it up now :smoking: ) (one of such being America's loss of net neutrality now (again, have been rendered quite busy to really catch on such events now, this really having hit me hart for you guys there; I really feel with you there :( )) (otherwise I most likely would've started by now at least) - that and work almost constantly grinding me on my nerves quite often these days (accursed Christmas business is all I say on that; seriously, I really would like to know who ultimately brought up that **** in the first place; not that I at least wouldn't partially know, though :sarcasticclap: ).


The only reason I partially do so now happens to be that, at least, I definitely wanted to thank all those very ones  who ultimately congratulated me for my most recent birthday on Monday - that was really nice of you, guys. :heart: :D

I'm sorry, again, I wouldn't really even bother keeping you updated with the one or other journal at least and I hopefully some things are gonna look better by the end of the year and start of subsequent new one, but currently things just happen to bothersome in such directions to say the least.

Regardlessly, though, I at least definitely want and will bring to mention how those 8 months would go by and what I've purposely left in the dark for now before this year's done, make no mistake of that.

However, in many events I'm only going to do so once initial holidays may pass as I'd most likely be rendered too stressed out beforehand, yet again. :(

In that case, unless doing so separately shortly beforehand, I'll already wish you all nice holidays in advance and look forward towards those afterdays then :santa:Christmas Tree 

Until then...
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... why does it recently feel like whenever I talk to people both here and in real live and I want to express something certain I find myself lacking the courage to really 'talk' about it/the feeling it's causing me? Because appearantly so much time has passed now I'd have supposedly had time to regrow my armor, again, that talking about it now would rather feel as forbidden as casting an unforgiveable curse in Harry-Potter-verse? Because of feeling ashamed of still carrying the one or other weakness with me while society expects me to act out the way people want me to? Or because of seeing the struggles of others in my close enviromnent with eyes unclouded now and subsequently thinking myself as selfish and uncaring towards them now and thus, supposedly, unworthy in seeking them out in return?

Sorry, this has been bugging me for some time now - I certainly had not planned on posting this so close after Easter, or even at all (and I do remain ashamed about still coming up with stuff like this here and then - if much more rarely now, but still - because of coming of so whiny and vulnerable when not really wanting to), but well, moods remain moods, I guess, even though I'm not nearly as depressive as things may sound like, rather... despondent. And wanting to seek out answers because of - for both my sake and for others'...
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Well... basically what the title says ^^; (how fortunate I didn't happen to forget about it after all...).

May many eggs be found, chocolate cherished, Christ be praised and happy times with loved/closed ones be well spent! :D
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Well, it's certainly been a while, again - and although, not much noteworthy has come to pass since then, still, like a garden, you gotta tent to it every now and then - at times more, at times less - in cases of here, though, at least somewhat more balanced (and, all in all, that's some big irony/hypocrisy here I know as well as having to eat those words, again, at the same time).

So, all in all:

- still searching for job (having wanted to join government, but ultimately failed to do so for this year, so either it'll be something smaller-scaled, have to wait for another year or simply accept my studies being my main focus now)
- still going through said studies + side-job
- still going through same living conditions
- having passed all of my exams + term paper safe for one (which I gotta have to rewrite next Tuesday, forcing me away from keyboard, again, by Friday)

Aside of that, based on semester break + job break (based on said job orientating itself on German's school-holiday terms) for still 2 weeks (counting this one), looking aside the one exam I gotta redo now, I got lots of free time ahead on which to do something... though that doesn't have to say much, given I, again, simply can't reset my stuff and work on it.


HOWEVER, what I also wanted to finally clarify, since things might come across of me not doing anything DA-related at all since years anymore, that's not entirely true. I still happen to have focus on one factor after all this time, it's just something that's not supposed to be for public - and that happens to be my long-lasting effort of writing everything of the plot in regards towards my "oh-so-special-project" towards my main actress in the events

1. her relating towards the character better and thus giving a convincing performance, resultingly

2. (this being the more actual factor behind things) of something to happen to me, to have someone who could share what I am (or was, depending on what's going to pass sooner or later or how you happen to see it) trying to accomplish


To prove I'm not talking jibberish, I know I've meanwhile written a good share of things since having come to know her in late 2013.

Since the story happens to be 12 Chapters in overall, and me currently being stuck towards the end of the eight, I - while not having (re-)counted (that I'm going to save up for the event of me finally being done with everything) - can assure you that I happen to have meanwhile come up with a rough deal of 500 pages* worth of material now and still going strong (though to be fair, at least 1/3 happens to consist of other side notes and other material meant to comprehend the one or other point or factor within the settlement of the plot better).

It's also based on this factor that happens to dictate my phases of absence as well as inactivity, for it's something I want to be done with first, before resettle towards any resolves of cleaning up my act and resolve what to do from there on (also in regards to if I'll still sting to it or not) and how...


BUT regardlessly of that, there's still at least something I finally had the courage to do so after all this time - and that's trying to catch up with events of what has come to pass on DA and, more poignantly, its people - in perticular the last 1-2 years where things had been going so much out of hand that I, well... not necessarily lost touch with reality so to say, but still something going in direction - also in regards towards the "bright idea" :sarcasticclap: of me having saved up looking after those in the now realized somewhat insane notion of "my writing stuff surely not taking as long as that those factors could wait for a little while" - and now so much time has passed, I'm still not done with things the way I wanted (even if much more urging matter had come to pass in-between, but that not really excusing things on the long run either) and I'd feel becoming too disconnected towards people and events in an ever-changing world.

Regoing through things, messages and the like, I found myself quite heartwrenched seeing what has gone through people and me barely having been there, too self-absorbed in my concerns, even partially justified when solely considering the real-live events - this being a statement, btw., not supposed to be taken as a form of self-pity, even if it may sound like this now (as have past journals going more personal than the norm).

And even if I do feel relieved in finally having done so and being glad in having received (mostly) positive responses in return, still, I sometimes remain unsure whenever I truly will be able in maintaining that or if I'll fall victim towards my own inner demons, again, in the long run - as in, if quite paradoxically, admittably, feeling unfit in really maintaining those relationships in the long run out of feelings of either feeling out of place, given the passage of time in-between, or bad conscious of having mistreated them by not having really been attentive towards their potential problems in return or even feel like I may not really care for others and/or bother keeping said relationships strong, hence me ultimately being unable in maintaining or forming them (not helped by partially having been raised this way - in perticular by my mother (in the likes of "you're not supposed to care for other people - they won't help you if you need it the most - you got to be better than them all, no matter if in school, job and so on; at best they're just tools for you to use to strenghten your position" (and most likely all steeming from the same person having been unfit in maintaining hers in return and thus forcing her believes onto me)) - followed by isolation from society by the very same, no matter which methods she'd ultimately make use of to manipulate me into doing so).

There's one thing I know for certain, though: As long as I'm not done with my other sole obligation, things will definitely never change - and as long as that remains, I definitely know things will remain uncertain at best, strained at worse and completely broken at worst.

So what's all that rambling supposed to say now? Well, I guess it means, my self-inflicted exile will have to remain as it is until I'm done - even if I'm at least in so far certain now, that this happens to be a matter of months now, only. What's going to happen afterwards, that remains to be seen - I can not tell for now, nor do I feel like it's the best time to do so, so I/you will have to be patient on it, even if I understandably much to ask for both sides of the fence.

At least though, while feeling unable in making a full-fledged promise upon it atm, still, in the events of me being unable in returning back here for full activity for a good deal of reasons still needing their proper resolve, still, I want to follow the resolve now and go ahead to involve myself more in community, again - and be it only to at least be more attentive towards people/events than postponing things for ages, again. I had also started considering about giving somewhat of constructive support towards other people's projects if I can't fully work on my own (aside of said writing project, again) and/or be more active in other regards, to be perhaps be of some use towards community, but that's still up to think about.




Well, ok, I admit, that's been much more rambling, again, than I originally had in mind and I apologize for it. At least what's said is said and is most likely not going to return in that form, again.

In the end, what I definitely wanted to do though, before ending this for good - also in the event of me most likely being too much in learning mode by then and subsequently forgetting all about it then (hopefully not, but who knows?) - is to wish you all a Happy Easter (+ holidays) :wave: . May you enjoy these days with your close-/loved ones and have blessed spring weather along the way. :D

Have a Happy (pre-)Easter time!  St. Patricks Day! Sun:butterfly: (Butterfly)


*Edit: While not having actually recounted, still, it's actually more 730 pages by now rather than 500 (and most likely still much more than that)
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why hello folks, as the title says, I guess I might as well update my journal once more - not that I'd have much to say about anything, since nothing big's been coming to pass recently, so all in all:

- still searching for job
- still going through my studies + side-job
- still going through same living conditions
- still no other large activity possible based on either afromentioned point or other factors

The only things new things that may have come to pass now being:

1. My 2nd laptop (my first having died little over a year ago after roughly 10 years of faithful service for various projects + other), too, has unexpectedly passed away last week, forcing me in completely switching over systems and redirect all of my stuff towards it (current stand of transfer by 97%)

1.1. In reflection to that, since I changed my password recently based on a suspected hacker-attack (which turned out to be false) and not having noted it down or kept it in mind (didn't have to as it had been on constant save on my previous laptop) and, ultimately, not having updated my email-address since having first registered, I almost lost access to this account for good - fortunately enough, I was able to regain it through a lucky guess and readjust things for good (else this would have turned things quite awkward in the long run...)

2. My exams for my studies will begin by next week, forcing me afk for a good deal of roughly two weeks (three if counting my term paper (though since I do have to type it down, does that count as afk? Don't know, guess not ^^; )) - afterwards, I guess I might have some more free time at hand to go after the one or other thing properly or getting to keep my new year's resolves by then (though since this is live we're talking about here, I'll refrain from making any firmset statements/promises about that)


Well, that's about it for now, folks, until next time then...
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Ok folks, today - on my birthday Have your cake and eat it too Party (this become quite a recurring theme now over the last years now, no?) - I'm gonna make a smaller-scaled update, again, so that I can replace that last depressive, albeit largely confusing journal, for good now.

And not to to worry, for since there isn't much I intent on talking about today, you don't have to fear a novel from me this time around, especially because I think the last ones pretty much summed a good deal of stuff up already I could've possibly brought on about now (and thanks to a certain bird, I want to at least try to keep up that resolve of writing shorter-scaled journals from now on...).

So, since we're, again, reaching the close of the year and there won't be much else largely happening from now on, I'll pass on a quick summarization of what's recently been going on and what resolve I made myself for the next year ahead already:

What's been going on since the last update and/or close-up of this year now:

  • I've meanwhile dissolved my garage containing my stuff and transfered it over to my grandma's to be eventually sorted out and for savekeeping until I get to move on to a new place of mine (however that doesn't mean I can reset my stuff, again, for my living conditions won't provide the necessary requiremnents needed to do so (which also means no continued work on projects, again, for the next time ahead))
  • Still stressing through university and side-job, though definitely not as bad as around the time I made those last journals (aside of large dumps of paperwork I still got to get through before Christmas in regards to job :XD: )
  • still no positive results out of my application campaign, unfortunately enough :no:
  • At least in regards to my grandma I managed in dealing a victorious blow against her ailings (as in, that, in collaboration with my new housedoctor we've now been attacking the 'cancer' (= figure of speech here, not the actual thing) at its very heart (aka dissolving water in feet/knees) to the point that she may be able in fully walking, again, without too much trouble next March or so ahead


That supposedly summarizes the events of last weeks now as well as closing up the rest of this year now.

Now then, seeing that 2016 had rather been a year of securing my very existence for the next time ahead (aka finances, living conditions (even if I'd have preferred my own ones, but alas that's something that's to be solved some other time then (for reasons I already explained in the recent journals in case of needing refreshment upon it)), place of enrollment (again, even if I had prefered vocational training over studying now, but alas, again, that's something to be moved up to next year for solvation then :no: ) aso.), next year's gonna be the year whose focus will more prominently be towards myself, the person, and all the other things I couldn't really put attention towards to this year ahead.

Thus, the following points will supposedly make up my main agenda of 2017's resolve (aside of other already mentioned factors above):

  1. Overcome my social-phobia (yeah, got to figure that one out meanwhile, even if my 'condition' regarding that doesn't happen to 100% cover it up (but still coming closest to what ails me there...)), break the remaining bonds of my shell and go after things I neither took interest in and/or had been prevented of beforehand
  2. Make up my resolve now what intentions I'm going to follow up here now - whenever 'The Project' will still be my main ambition to be fulfilled yet (albeit definitely with changed conditions now) or, if not, what my calling will supposedly be then (or, in worst case, if I should simply start completely over, again, but there's nothing to be afraid of at the moment, so nothing to worry about here)
  3. In cohesion with 2. - settle all about my open scores towards people/friends here by good then (how so, ultimately? Don't ask me yet, but in my stubborness you can rest assured that I'm gonna find someway somehow, eventually...)

There happen to be some additional smaller-scaled resolves I intent on following next year forward, but those 3 happen to be the most significant ones to point out (and which would concern you mostly).

Well, that's about it now - next journals gonna follow up on Christmas and New Year's Eve respectively (though not for updates then - you can say that this one shall supposedly serve as final one in that regard, unless something really were to come to pass 'til then (but better not hope so...)), so there's nothing else I could add up on it, now.

Until then, have a great pre-Christmas time  Santa Clause :D


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  • Eating: /
  • Drinking: Developed a Fanta fetish as of lately XD
So, well, 2 weeks since the last one - obviously not much to add onto that longer-based one since the most poignant factors both in the past as well as what I still got to do have been gone through, no matter if on the 'real-live' or the 'emotional/social' battlefield.

Regarding the latter I found myself confronted with new, somewhat disturbing discoveries about myself - the most significant one being an additional reason why I find myself in such difficulty creating new lasting relationships and especially trying to hold together with those I (somewhat) used to have; and it's not necessarily based upon difficulties returning to activity, again (which I already explained before), nor the overall 'isolation' factor pointed out towards the end of last journal (which, however, does play a good deal into this; though not in the way I had always assumed to be the case). No, it's something else, actually, something that goes far deeper than that and which I failed to see beforehand nor able to connect the dots together how things got so messed up over the years (regarding everything now, not solely my part here).

And, well, I guess I now know what I really have to do before I can think about anything else - if I don't, things will never be able to fully become the way, again, they used to be before (even if that can be a bit far-stretched, considering some factors here and there, admittably, but well, there's always somewhat of a 'limitation of damage' so to speak of....).

So, there's a new, additional journey for me to embark on now... even if it won't be started this year anymore, for I have a good deal of other matters I need to take care of first, before I may be able to start upon the road leading to salvation. Rather, this, while a bit early for now, admittably, is gonna become my new year's resolution.

Next year, my friends, the demons that bound me for so long shall finally be put to rest, all open matters be cleared out and a final resolution be found, no matter what it'll be and where it'll lead me...




Ok, alright, I now I sounded pretty much like barely capable lunatic up there, though I did see no other alternative to really get this off my chest otherwise - especially if so many factors and events in such a relatively short time span could've driven the one or other insane long ago already.

Nevertheless, even if sparing said dramatization up there, still, its content still remains truthful in regards of having to defeat my inner demons now and refind my purpose back in life - in society, sociality, my history, my future both here and in real life and everything else that goes in hand with the previous called upon facts.

Regarding here, recently, I had been playing with the though about simply shutting off and start over, again, a new - as someone that won't be recognized by you and who might not follow the same purpose he used to either. At the moment, this remains far from my mind for a good deal of reasons, though, if I do defeat said inner demons or am in the middle of it and might have to find a resolve solving everything, this still might find some sort of consideration upon it.

What goes for everything else, I can't say... there's still so much to be done, even if on a different footing now, somewhat - so much that, at times I could feel myself bursting from so many factors running through my head; aka, 'I gotta do this', 'I gotta do that' - 'Oh oh, and don't forget about that!' *sigh*


Anyway, I wanted to bring up something else after the last journal now; having purposely waited long enough now in case someone where to add something else upon my plea...

....it never came to pass.


Though that's ok, I don't blame you for it, 'cause I know that there are so much worse worries out there that need attention to and on which you guys gotta look out for now (*cough* Trump *cough* being one of those, possibly).

B'sides, it's not like I don't understand it in general either. You know, the funny thing about isolation and not really being a part of society for a time allows you to somewhat see things with clearer eyes and see what and how society really is - at least upon the field I find myself familiar with (aka the country I live in obviously, for I surely couldn't speak for the reflections/workings of Latin-America if I were living in, say Japan)

And especially regards of the internet, where there can be so many drama queens (perhaps, in a somewhat twisted way, some could see me as that, regadlessly, and I accept that, if not for their reasons) and normal people reading through/participating in one depressing update from user number 2839603593050 on, say, Facebook to user number 2839603593051 on Twitter - potentially wanting to jump away from that only to find themselves confronted with, by then - to user 2839603593052 on DA then, it's no wonder people find themselves less and less motivated if they wanna enjoy themselves somewhat only to find themselves overwhelmed with a potential majority of users they encounter going through rants to whining to bullying to trolling and what-else-not they could be doing. I can really understand how that can demotivate people over time to not really bother anymore, especially if they got their own issues to deal with, making use of the internet to escape said troubles, somewhat, only to find themselves confronted with other depressive people?

In earlier days, before this invention called 'internet' happened, people only could rely on their close ones or try talking to someone in real live and or try finding someone to built up trust in order to do so. Nowadays, though, it rather appears now, as there's constant depression everywhere to such an extend that people find themselves turned to indifferent to those based on incability dealing with those anymore, especially if, as said before, they have their own problems to deal with. It's almost funny how we praise our newfound connection with others throughout the world, but in reality, we're much more disconnected than we might have been in a world without the internet...


Well, that's enough of that now. Originally I wanted to make this journal somewhat more uplifting, though it seems I didn't really find the will nor motivation to do so upon it.

Alas though, it does somewhat serve its purpose by overriding the last journal brought up for the next time ahead.

Guess, I'll come up with the next one on my birthday then... I promise, I'll try make that one at least somewhat more uplifting than today's one...




  • Listening to: Battle of the Heroes - SW: Ep. III
  • Reading: /
  • Watching: /
  • Playing: /
  • Eating: /
  • Drinking: Developed a Fanta fetish as of lately XD
Well yeah, had to slightly move up to today on this final part since I was long away the night before up to early morning and thus neither feeling fit nor ready to write up on this one then, sorry.

But alas, this last part finally happens to be taken care of and that's all that counts, I guess (or, at least hope ^^; )

---------------------------------
Ok, well, I guess now this is it :lonely:

Admittably, I've been pushing up on that one far too long now and, even if potentially not warranted for, again, I apologize for not having covered up on that one sooner. I further admit, though, this simply happens to steam from the fact that, as the two previous parts showed, that I simply didn't find much time on me ahead to properly cover up on that one at first - and, alright, in those times I did have time to potentially do so, I was partially hold back by varying emotions preventing me from doing so; at first, it was because things had been too fresh, I guess that's understandable. Then, however, I was mostly driven by fear, anguish and shame leading up quickly to guilt in varying perspectives.

Even now, I still find myself at difficulty writing about this - if not as severe as the first months had been - but I know there's no way I could further push/chicken out on that one, lest I'm going to lose what remaining trust and credibility I still may have left at this point.


Although this is supposed to explain my reasons why I find myself unable to become largely active, again, in the DA-Community, for the next time ahead (aside of what's currently tighting me up atm (aka university and such), I'll have to point out that some of my reasonings happen to closely interwine with real life backgrounds/events that have negatively influenced my upbringings nowadays and which have left to this current issue of mine; I'll try keeping those at a mininum, though, I definitely can't guarantee on anything on that one, sorry in advance.


-------------------------

Before I'm going to start, though, I briefly wanna disclose how I've been emotionally coping with all of the pointed out events in the past and what resumeé I can take on one year after these events now:

Long story short on this one, I have - for the most part - been coping well with the overall loss. I can't say the pain that's caused by my father's passing completely gone by that point unlike with my mother (though in her case, there are also some other factors influencing this as you're going to learn later on; and to be fair, it also took roughly about a month after said 'passing day' until I was completely 'clear' of everything; perhaps I just to wait out the 'same' amount, 'til I could so - partially I doubt that, but I digress now, again ^^;), but it's coming close to - at least nothing that would largely hamper me from going after my daily routine or so, per se.

I admit that, rather, I happen to find myself at burden at times now that, after finally having graduated from school, on having to take on the world alone and having to shoulder all the responsibility on my own now without having potential 'help' to rely on now (of course I'd have to struggle through that anyway and things surely wouldn't have differed by much either; however, knowing that, no matter if indepentend or not, that you truly happen to be all responsible on your own now and that there's no one there you could rely on in a different way here and then does leave things at least somewhat bitter, you know? At least I hope I conveyed the message well enough without sounding pathetic-like or anything like that). In that regard, though, there also happens to be a reason behind that one as I'll get to explain eventually.


What goes for the resumeé, there's nothing much to say on it now without going too private or disclose some matters more closely than I already have, than to simple say that, all in all - even if some things could've preferrably turned out a bit better or not having taken place at all (I think you'll get what I mean by that) - that I'm pretty glad things were able in solving themselves this well thus far (with the alternatives being much worse in that case here). Of course, there still happen to be some loose ends I'd have preferably swept under the carpet before the day of the 'passing' and perhaps be able to 'fully' function, again (= being active, again), but I guess you can't win them all on such a relatively short timespan. Alas, things are working out just fine now - for the most part - and I'm sure the rest of things are going to find their proper resultion soon. I guess I'll just have to be a bit more patience regarding those ones and everything's going to be fine.

-----------------
However, while remaining rather positively on those aspects (= coping with the loss + resumeé after one year now), the more negative I remain by those 'other' emotional struggles now - with a good deal of them regarding my stand around here and which I never have really properly adressed as I should have, with some of the other, more real-live events/occurences/habits closely intertwined with those as already pointed out earlier.

Alas, there's no way to further push out on those any longer, so I guess it's finally time to properly disclose those now:

---------------------------------------
For a long time, I've been blaming myself how things have come to pass now - especially in regards to here.

It's 8 years now that I'm around here - when I opened up my account here, I was but a introvert to put things mildly, an odd-one, an aspiring TG-Captioneer who was back then inspired by other Captioneers like :iconrollsumi09: ; having found my way into the overall DA-Community out of the sheer variety of art that's been found here (first starting by my Kingdom Hearts Fandom seeking out Sora and his gang in various world forms for my own (not publicy published, mind you) stories before stumbling across the TF/TG Community by accident and become smitten by it for reasons I don't really fully understand to this day).

Why I found myself closer entangled by the TG-Community and its people rather than one of my other fandoms or such, I don't know - though what I can tell is it has nothing to do with my sexuality. Rather, I think it's simply for the openness of people behind them and their kindness I'd come to receive throughout.

Having - at the time - freshly come of as bullying victim (which I'm not going to disclose closer now than that as this only happens to play a really small part into all of this) for reasons unrelated to what you may think (= TG/TF Community) I wanted to seek out someplace I could be more of myself, even if only on the web, where I might get to work on my self-esteem and get to know people. In that case, the TG-Community would happen to provide for both, for my Captions would secure somewhat of a (from my pov at least) 'guilty popularity' while getting to know the one or other one-time individual.

The greatest and - afterwards doubtful - times I'd receive regarding that, I'd come to spend around the times of the 1st TG-War. Hiding myself behind a boost personality back then, it's here I'd come to meet a good deal of people I'd partially grow close to later on such as :iconcandy-sugargirl: , :icondarth-drago: and :iconirishbrewinc: (even if he was not a participant, but still a recognizable fan/buddy in my book nevertheless) who I still hold in high regard to this day, even if - mostly through my own actions and those of live - we've mostly grown apart nowadays (though, again, that's how I've come to perceive things; if I happen to be wrong on it, then please feel free to correct me on that immediately).

The good times where not to last, however, as the War - back then still lead by :iconchess-man: and :iconfrost-lock: at the time I jumped in - was already at its point of dying for various reasons and even my own shorttime leadership of it could not rescue it from the cesspit it's become (to use a quote here; you'll get a cookie if you happen to find out where I got it from).


I know what you're thinking - that's all nice and clear... AND already known! What's my little history there supposed to provide?

For you, at first, nothing... that is, if you can't read between the lines. Even I had difficulties connecting the dots together at first since I didn't see the connection back then, but my reason to stand is that the whole reason I jumped into things - at first on DA in general, then for the TG-War - was to participate and provide something that could earn me a place of glory, because in my case, glory would provide recognition... and recognition would provide friends.

For some, this might be understandable on first sight or how they've come to know me, but I did not. There are many things I was forced to learn about myself and my enviromnent over the course of that year, that'd certainly turn around all of my assumptions I found self-evident for me.


To continue with the history lesson, as - after the 1st War was eventually closed in by me then officially - I continued my old path - this time as a TG-Artist, rather than Captioneer - with many of my former works put down from here by now. Eventually, though, I found myself smitten by a different artist (whose name I'm not gonna put down here out of respect) who in turn made me question my purpose and quality of the art I was doing back then.

At the same time, I'd write on my own, personal side-story which I eventually wanted to add in a big finale, but having found no sources of inspiration in order to do so.

That's been all around 2010-11, a time most of these questions and doubts would come together. I wouldn't know what to do of myself then, in regards of DA - even in spite of my supposed 'calling' - and in regards of private life. Back then, things didn't look too brightly either. My mother, supposedly bullied as well over work and eventually fired from her company out of a selling-settlement, aspiring for an early retiremnent sitting home all the time, growing more and more deattached from the world, tempering her days away without wanting to listen to reason - neither from my father, nor me (and with the both of us finding ourselves limited in our options out of having been busy in work/school respectively), would cause us strenouing times altogether - with my father not farring better on that regard since, while being promoted to a respected branch manager back then for 3 years then, would also start suffering under all the constant pressure and responsibility then (similarily to me nowadays, I guess, though far less severe and far less worth complaining about than what he had to go through, I guess).

In the end, with the 2 of them not really settling for a good example and not really knowing what to do, I was mostly fend to find a solution myself.

However - in regards of privacy - wanting to aspire for something that'd not end me up in the same position as them and, more poignantly, eventually settling my DA-based-disputes with wanting to aspire for something supposedly 'greater' than doing TGs as well, work on - in my perception - greater projects and art-styles from then on, I'd enroll myself into an art-based-college not too far away from home with high hopes of learning to improve my art there in regards of anatomy and coloring that'd help me get me off the ground and help pursuit my own projects - with the most poignant one being 'The Project'.

'That Project' I'd often talk about in the past, which was supposed to be a great accomplishment on my side then - an experimental-course that'd require many talents not solely from my side, of course, but of those of many others as well - the most poignant one being voice-actors, with some of them being familar faces in this piece of glory such as :iconchess-man: , :icondragon-v0942: and :iconsliceofdog: just to name a few.

Especially ones I'd 'gain' full insight into its plot, I'd then put everything into it whenever possible, starting off by 2012 with high spirits.

But luck would not shine as brightly upon it as I first found myself in difficulties improving in my art-style yet and try to keep things balanced between school and free time, a situation severely hindered by the increasingly growing worse situation within my private enviromnent; namely the degeneration of my mother's psyche and the resulting growing worse arguments against me and my father because of it (by accusing me of being a failure who's solely depentent on them and can't get done anything by himself while my father, because of his work, constantly neglects her and is unable to show much emotion anymore).

Despite that, though, I'd try my best though, push on with improving with what I could, finding myself inspired with new ideas I'd - later on - even publish in a larger list of things I wanted to be done for thrice 'The Project', what's related to it and everything else.

However, becoming more and more aware that it'd was going to take longer, because of all of its experimental-components it got, I'd start writing down the entire story in a more detailed way towards my main actress I'd get to know in late 2013 based of another TG-Arti- no, TG-ANIMATOR's growing popularity (which I guess most of you will know by now) in case that - were something to happen to me before I come to introduce or finish this, that at least all of the information was safely with someone I could trust and who in turn could then share with you the rest of it in case of (having become even more convinced/unhinged by the sudden unexpected passing of :iconmontyoum: whose legendary Dead Fantasy series belonged to one of my favorites in an artistically way and how much you could achieve if you happen to give everything into it).

Things would, however, become as good as completely loose by the then unexpected passing of my mother in 2014 as result out of a sickness hidden from the both of us (my father and me) and as climax of all the internal struggles I got to live through, taking me by bad surprise upon it and leaving me down for quite some time.

Nevertheless though, in my stubborness, even when having been actively behind this thing since over 2 years now (having officially declared its start at 2012) while, because of, most of things having been rather practice than anything actively done, I didn't want to give up on 'The Project' or its components, because of my convinction that things are/were still going to turn out fine despite this turn of events (and, in a more egoistical thought, that, if my mother - who has been at fault for many things that have been going wrong in my family for the last few years without me ever having realized that before - were now not hindering me anymore, I could perhaps things turn out for the better, again), having gone after wrong things for supposedly noble reasons - as in, with this thing becoming my magnus opus that'd (internally that is) place me in a place of glory... which would lead to recognition which... you know what's coming now... friends, or at least a greater crowd of people I could connect with than I already have (when I should have already known by then that, perhaps, I may not have had what I 'wanted', but already what I 'needed' to insert another well-known quote here).

It's only after my father's demise and the subsequent events now that finally broke my back, having been forced in attenting all of these past matters without having been able in really continuing with anything.

--------------------------

And it's here now, after a good long history lesson, that I can finally clear out my controlled, yet raging emotions regarding all of that:

For a long time now, I've been feeling guilty that my work obsession with said project might have cost both my parents on this, since I felt I was too focused on myself rather than what's around me.

While - also with the help of people - I came to realize now that I wasn't at fault for my parents' demise, since they actually have destroyed each other in a way, still, I can't possibly apply the same for around here.


Intentionally or not, I've hurt many of those I supposedly call 'friends' here with my absences and/or indifference at times, the only ones I ever had in my life so far...


...and I have no real words that could possibly express about how sorry I am for what I have done.

-----------------------

It's here now, I find myself faced with various dilemmas I impossibly can't solve on my own anymore regarding here and which supposedly explain why I find myself difficulty returning to DA without knowing how to solve them now.


Regarding 'The Project' and its components, on one hand, I feel like finding myself confronted against a pile of broken glass based upon upon mentioned hindsights. On the other, I feel like that, having spent so long with it now, for the sake of everything I feel like I've sacrificed for it or feel like could turn out for the better if I give it more time, I couldn't possibly abandon it now, for it'd render all those years spent for naught now - even to the price of what I already mentioned up there and what I feel myself conflicted with.


Even if I were to let it go (and dare anyone to come up with a certain song now - I don't think I can guarantee for anything then), then what? What should I supposedly do then? Return making TGs? But what for? I once swore to move on from those, take on more serious work - and I keep what I promise. And even if I were to break that promise on the account of things having changed, I don't think that TGs will grant me any more fulfillment on me than when they did back then before I've sworn them off for good. Heck, even if I were to set them up as Commissions to have something worth for them, wouldn't change anything about me not feeling fulfilled working on them.

What then? Should I write stories? But for who? What for? Doing the same as above, set them up as Commissions, but again, what?!


As you can see, one of my most conflicting emotions regarding that all happens to be because of my supposed "calling" around here which I don't find anything worth for aside of what I've been accustomed to these last years.


The other, most poignant, matter happens to be my - from my pov - cut off ties towards people around here, especially in regards of if I were to let go of 'The Project'.


Don't get me wrong, even if having become quite disconnected, I still would find myself coming close with other people over these last 2 years instead, at those times of my parents' passing nevertheless - such as :iconrex-equinox: and :iconmentalcrash: - both of which I hold in just as high regards as I already have with :icondarth-drago: , :iconirishbrewinc: and :iconcandy-sugargirl: ; even if I didn't maintain much more contact with the latter 3 than I once did for everything I've already pointed out before.

However, even then, my most conflicting emotion about it has been that already starting from the first day on I'd spent on DA, I'd find myself at great difficulty properly socializing with people the way I perceived I should have - and that's definitely not saying much, 'cause I was never really able to learn how to do so. Why? Because since I was little, I was constantly isolated interacting much more with the outside world than necessarily needed - my mother had taken sure of that, thanks to having been quite demanding, manipulative and controlling at the same time... actually, Mother Gothel, with my mother having not been as severe as to lock me away, perhaps, but still, from Rapunzel comes very close to how she could be.


There, I said it now :lonely: , with what I feel mostly ashamed about.

While I have managed in working on myself quite a lot for over this last year and make progresses on my socializing skills, it's a whole different matter working on new relationships in real live and ones I've come to know (more or less) close around here and how to (re-)approach them - especially if 'The Project' were to be dropped - and/or how to built up (new) ones around here.


Again, I'm really sorry for how all these things look like now and how pathetic I feel myself from approaching you like this or being so foreward with this the way I am now (and I'm partially certain that this entry will most likely fall under my eventual 'to be deleted list' later on).


But on the other hand, though, I'm really at a loss at what to do anymore, regarding that now - regardlessly when I'd have come to approach this matter then, if not now...
  • Listening to: Vorador's Mansion - Legacy of Kain Defiance
  • Reading: /
  • Watching: Definitely not Zootopia (tries to look innocently)
  • Playing: /
  • Eating: /
  • Drinking: Developed a Fanta fetish as of lately XD
Now then, last part covered up for a good deal about how things have been developing since the very first day onward as well as explain how I was mostly left unable to return attention towards anything DA-/project-related, for - I hopeful understandably - there have simply been far more urgent matters been in need for attention so far and partially are still in need for ahead....

Which leads us to how things supposedly are looking like now (as since, roughly, beginning of October (16) up to now):

  1. While I didn't manage in getting anything vocational-training related, still, I was - luckily enough - accepted within one of ultimately 2 universities I applied to and was enrolled at shortly therafter, having started since 17th Oct. now (what I study? Theater-, Film- and Media-Studies and Literature in a well known university found within Baveria)
  2. => however, said studies, though related to my former school-curriculum (= the direction I graduated in I mean), happen to be, ironically enough, much more time-consuming than my old-school plan (and also a lot stricter in regards to rules) => that, in addition to my student-job per say (of which I work in 10 hours a week) (which has been stressful as to lately as well, based on my boss (with the most time consuming factor having been preparings and set-up for a well known art-fair in Baveria around the - you guessed it - time of my father's passing, having - alongside said studies - taken quite its toll on me 'til last Sunday, effectively leaving me up for some free days only for these days, before being having to go in with full force, again, by next week
  3. Around September, I went to visit my doctor, only to then find out I happen to have developed an allgery to cats, having forced me in giving them away for good now as of last Saturday (though I'm convinced in more ways than one that, even in my emotional pov, I never would have been able in giving them the same care, time and love as may have been the case around beforehand, so it's probably for the best (also, it's not like, they're completely gone, as I can still see them from time to time)).
  4. I still live within grandmother's home for reasons I'll come to cover up in just a moment.

That wraps up how things happen to look like nowadays...

... which leads us to what I still got to do in order for things to fully, 100% stabilize, again (and, on the sidelines, help determine my future around here DA by then at latest):

  • while my current studies happen to provide for my orphan's pension as well as protection from employment agency (towards which I had to 'turn myself in' as I like to put it now, based on both my recent graduation and age) in regards of being forced into something I don't want to (or, at least, having to go through their prodecures enforced onto me), still, it obviously not provides real stability from my pov in regards of later employment (especially with not having gone through any vocational-training beforehand and - if going through said studies - potentially end up 30+ and most likely not managing in grasping a foot within the world of employment by then anymore), hence my application period happens to be far from over as I make use of the current study-situation in hopes of finding potential vocational-training at someone willing enough to take me in despite my flaws
  • Once - and only once - I manage to receive such a confirmation I may take on vocational-training at some place, may I be able to move forward with my plans and look out for a place for myself and settle in anew
  • => since my 'humble' home barely makes up of 10 square meters to freely move in, all of my equipment happens to be stashed in my neighbor's garage (which he had no problems lending to me and for which I'm very grateful for in my current situation) - it's obvious that I can only set up my whole stuff, again, once I happen to have a place I can call my own (and which also additionally explains why I'm currently largely hindered to take on any real 'project-based' work, for even if my current time issues wouldn't happen to be, I couldn't take on any work anyway as long as the rest of my equipment happens to be stored out of my reach :no: ...)

So, all in all - regarding me - this means:

1. Receive Vocational-Training-Confirmation next time ahead => 2. Find a place I can call my own => 3. Re-set up everything => 4. ? - with '?' indication, settling final decisions regarding the rest of my future afterwards


Since I had aspirations of potentially emigrating at some point later on (potential locations happen to include England and the US (with the latter having been on my mind since 'Day 1' first greatly, but having lately grown cold for now based on current 'political' activities taking place over there (do I really need to spell those out here? :smoking: ))), this decision, too might settle in by then eventually.

On the sidelines I also am providing a bit of health-based care for my grandmother who, physically, has difficulties in moving, based on weight, hurtful knees and water in feet swollen enough to heavily restrict her in her movements (not to the point of almost causing her to be bedridden or anything, but still pretty bad nonetheless) (also, when saying 'providing... care', it's supposed to mean I run errands for her and, especially in my own wish, set up meetings with doctor(s)/specialist(s) that may be able to help her (for, elsewise, results turned out she's completely fine, health-wise, it's only the damn water in her feet and those knees that mark things so difficult for her nowadays), no fostering, nothing else (no will I take responsiblity for those, for I happen to have enough on my plate now to do so as well; no, I only do what I actually can also manage which already happens to be quite a lot nowadays...)...


Alright, this happens to cover up for how things currently happen to stand in general and what I still got to do in general in order for things to restabilize themselves properly.

However, despite having covered up in great detail now, how 'general' things happen(ed) to (have) work(ed) out (currently), this does not cover up, nor clarifiy, how things are standing within the 'emotional' side of things and which, too, happens to make up a good deal of things.

That happens to include

  • how I cope with things in general, especially after a year after those events now while also pulling on a resumeé over all these things (as in, did everything supposedly work out the way I had in mind in the end, for example)
  • what emotional-struggles still happen to cause me great grief - and that isn't supposed to be solely linked towards my parents' passing now, but also of the one or other struggle I still find myself entrapped in, how they had come to pass and affect things from back then to now and how those could probably be resolved


It's especially the latter one I know I've been bringing up here and then to properly bring up since my father's passing so that some form of (further/additional) understandment could be formed as to - in case of DA - if it were not for the current tight-set schedule or lack of equipment I happen to have at the moment, why I find myself unable to simply 'come back' at some point or resettle onto a 'past path' so simply the way I used to.


These points however I'm going to bring up in that long-announced journal now - which, in that case, marks part 3 of the overall update.

Said part, however, I beg of pardon, if I have to slightly postpone it for one last time simply based on the ammount of time I was in need to write up those 2 parts up now in the first place.

Part III will follow up either by tomorrow or by Friday at latest - I'd kindly ask for your patience 'til then one more time and thank you all for your past patience thus far and, more poignantly, standing by my side nevertheless.

Until tomorrow or Friday then...


  • Listening to: Vorador's Mansion - Legacy of Kain Defiance
  • Reading: /
  • Watching: Definitely not Zootopia (tries to look innocently)
  • Playing: /
  • Eating: /
  • Drinking: Developed a Fanta fetish as of lately XD
Well, well, at long last, it is here that I finally manage in digging this one out (digging? Huh, I think I may have unpurposely managed in pulling out a pun on this one if today's context won't be missed by you... figures).

Hello folks, I hope most of you manage well. First of all, I must ashamingly pull out an apology, again, out of my sleeves for taking this long in finally putting an update to this journal and dismiss the rather depressing last one regarding the passing of my grandfather (though, I have to warn in advance now that this doesn't necessarily indicate that what I'm going to write about today is potentially going to turn out much better in that regard) - especially since I said I'd do so on the passing day of my father at 25th of October at latest, only to do so now without any explanation why so beforehand; in that case, I'm sorry, but circumstances (which make out an essential part of this long-awaited  journal update) managed in consuming lots of time around that time-span up to last Sunday and thus prevented me from pulling this one up earlier; I hope this can be understood despite the circumstances.

Regardlessly of the slightly missed 'dead-line' (wow, figures, I managed in making a pun out of this, again - too bad, I'd find it, actually, pretty funny, were things not depressing behind that one :smoking: ), still, this won't change anything about the contents of today's update, so better to suck it up and just go ahead with today's die-ary (ok, that one was on purpose now and twice as painful at that :XD: - I really should put a stop to this now, since this is supposed to be taken seriously...)

As pointed out earlier, it's been a little over a year now since my father's passing (even if the actual event had taken place a bit earlier (since it had technically been a Saturday he had died and you know how 'dates' supposedly worked, so), but for said update, I don't intent to cling on so obsessively this time around) and I figure it's best time now to reflect upon now, what's been going on all this entire (what I may or may not have shared already included here), putting on a resumé behind those, briefly explaining how things happen to look like now, currently, and how past events managed in influencing those and, last but not least, what I still got to go through, in order for even the smallest loose end to be finally taken care of (and, in coheresion with that, also finally explaining the one or other personal issue I still find myself troubled with, even after all this time (and how past events managed in influencing those in more ways than one (as in, how they could have come to pass in the first place and how they most likely are gonna get resolved eventually)).

That last matter though (= what's still personally troubling me (emotional-wise)) is going to be addressed in a separate journal I may or may not manage in putting up today (though, if so, I'll try all I can to bring up said 2nd as fast as possible if not this time around, promise), but let's first see how far I'll manage for today, shall we?




Now then, to at least spare you from having to read through too much, I'll deal out the following events in a rather punctual manner:


  1. 25th Oct.- 23th Dec. - Obviously the beginning of things. Here, of course, I had been down most of the time emotional-wise and needed time to deal out with things regarding that. Aside of that, I had been most busy with organising the funeral and all the bureaucratic matters all of my own without any (real) help from the outside world (my relatives in Italy didn't give a damn at first and only came by once I was through most of the most vital matters, my grandmother was emotionally- and physically-wise unable to (and additionally lacked the experience to do so) (my grandfather at the time not-withstanding (though since he didn't have legs anymore, he couldn't have helped me either way, even if he were there emotional-wise)); only my great-uncle provided assistance on one occassion (though even then, he was only there as witness rather than doing anything for me there) and my neighbor did in more than one occassion (though in his case, it was more emotional, but still, he had helped me out a lot later on, so I won't allow any negativity to be reflected back on him at any time - neither from me, nor anyone else!)). It was also around here I lost my year-long faithful laptop I used for writing.
  2. 24th Dec.-15h Feb. - Here, the bureaucratic matters were as good as resolved, save for one vital matter that took place after that (but didn't occur here, since my inheritance-documents weren't completely through, yet (propably, 'cause Christmas was relatively so close around corner on my father's passing that the govermnent facilities were most likely under-employed at the time and didn't bother taking cover for this matter earlier)). As pointed out in a separate journal, one of my cats needed operation on Christmas Day based on a rather unfortunate incident (which can be read in said journal, again, if need for refreshment). It's also here, I started to dissolve the household of my parents, having started by selling my dad's car within the first week of the passing and having continued a bit before Christmas time (though only on the sidelines there) and completely resolved around this time (household objects that is, no furniture - those would come later (my parents had come to quite a collection of various stuff, that's why I needed to dissolve it; partially also 'cause I needed money to support myself as I'm going to explain later on (and, back then that is, 'cause it'd make things easier were I to refit things more to my liking; boy had I been naíve on that one back then :no: )). It was mostly here, though I received more of a 'calm before storm' where I could calm down a bit more and try continue work on some of my (DA-/related) projects at a time (though - also based on the events that are to follow - I wouldn't manage in coming very far, unfortunately :invisible: )
  3. 16th Feb.-31th March - here, the relatively hardest battle for me began: The one for my home and the debts that were still left behind by my parents. And since I was still, but a pupil at the time (yes, I'm explicit about it, 'pupil', not 'student' - even if the latter was more to my preverence, officially, it was still like that) and didn't earn anything worth the trouble (orphan's pension obviously not counting here), my bank was pretty close pulling me in great grief, because of it (since, obviously, if I want to inherit what worths my parents had (and, again, which was partially vital to financially back me up, even with said debts), I would have to deal with their debts as well on this). It was only with the help of my neighbor - who had some connections within the same bank - that catastrophe on me could be prevented... but with a price. As I was forced to learn, said bank actually intented in setting me out of the contract of my parents for a small-packed price for the house and kick me out; however, since the debts still had been greater than the price I had received, they actually would have left me with said debts which, in return, would have left my live as good as ruined from then on had said neighbor not interfened. With his help, however, I could sell the house on a short notice towards someone I trust before they could pull their strings (though, given circumstances, I wasn't given any more time, hence having had to do so that way then) and still gain something out of it while covering up for all debts at the same time. However, that'd still leave me being forced having to move out eventually...
    It was also here, I'd slowly, but definitely start going to school, again, after having called in sick up to Mid-February in order to properly cover up for everything else, culminating in a 4-day trip to Barcelona around Easter, 2 weeks before I had to move out. Regarding that, I'd then try everything to prevent that from taking place out of an emotional fit, but was eventually forced to relent... what leads us to
  4. 1st April-31th May - having to move out of my home on the 1st - the 2nd most devastating event I ever had to endure aside of the passing of my parent(s). Even if things had looked anything, but lightly the last years, still, it had been a good home - for which my parents had given everything when it comes to building and adding in new things, only for me not being able in keeping up their legacy up for a bit longer before potentially moving on under my own conditions. With my 2 cats in the row at first (before passing them on to a cat-shelter until recently, since my grandparents' home would not be fit for home (neither the enviromnent, nor the persons living inside it)), I'd seek out shelter at my grandparents' home (my grandfather lying in hospital at the time). At first quite emotionally shaken, again, because of, I was quickly forced to get over myself, again, since school - having called in sick most of the time and having barely been attentive until shortly before Easter at best (mostly for the Barcelona trip, though) - would now demand of me to ensure all tests I missed to redo in order to receive my passing-grade. It was only on the circumstance of, again, having redone this year, that I could pull of staying away for so long and still keep up with the curriculum and redo my tests without too much problems - effectively marking my graduation as outstanding on the account of having done so within the course of roughly 3 months.
  5. 1st June-30th Aug. - within the beginning of June, I'd then write my final exams which, later on, would turn out in having passed them, thus putting an end to a long-time school career I've been undergoing for far longer than normally ought to (which means that, normally, wouldn't I have stretched out things here and then, I'd have been done with said school career by at least 2 years now; add in events further in the past (for which, however, I'm not to blame for directly in a way, that's a different story to be potentially told at some point later on... or not), we come somewhere around 6). However, since - because of said long-lasting school career - I never took on vocational training, it was around this time I was forced to sent out applications en mas at this late state (since matters beforehand would emotionally and otherwise prevent me from doing so earlier) in hopes of either being accepted in a random university or to take on said vocational training afterwards. At the same time, the condition behind my grandfather would severely degenerate, almost pulling me and my grandmother in financial turmoil because of it (in my case, based on the same still existing reasons as above and my grandmother, 'cause she's but a simple housewive having never really worked and thus, her pension, naturally not being very high). It was at end of July, he then eventually succumbed to his struggles as may still been kept in mind by my 'til then never replaced journal informing about said passing. In that case, it was guilty pleasure, for one hand, we're still shaken by his loss at the time (even if less than my father for various reasons) while on the other, his death would save us all the grief, his condition otherwise would have caused us. Still, because, again, my grandmother was not physically able to (and because the rest of our relatives didn't give a damn about, again (though, in his case, for more understandable reasons, for my grandfather definitely was not a saint, but still...), I was then, again, forced in having to organize his funeral in return which btw. had taken place at the same cemetary my parents happen to lie in (just not in the same grave obviously). Lastly, while my applications would lead to nothing, it was within one fateful meeting with a former internship-master I once had to go through an internship as part of my recently finished school-education that he'd - while not granting me vocational-training - at least offer me a side job within his office I'd gladly accept and still roll by to this day.
  6. 1st September-present - well, admittably, there's nothing much to say about this short time span, since I'm going to talk a bit about my current stand shortly on anyway. The only mentionable events outside of what's to come either way would be that I'd run some job interviews/tests for next year (since this year won't definitely hire new apprentices, obviously) which, however, haven't lead to any positive results yet and that at some point in September, my car's been broken into, leading to the theft of some, fortunately, rather worthless nick-nags in the long run as well as 2 accidents caused by other cars (though, admittably, they took place a bit on the sidelines earlier, it was only this late, I'd finally receive their money to cover up for the damages, that's why I only mention these this late now).


And that covers up for a good deal how things have been developing since the very first day onward as well as explain how I was mostly left unable to return attention towards anything DA-/project-related, for - I hopeful understandably - there have simply been far more urgent matters been in need for attention so far and partially are still in need for ahead....

... which I'm going to cover up in a 2nd part, seeing how long this managed to get, again (originally, I wanted to only write two parts on this, but well, looks like I'll have to go for three then, I guess...)


  • Listening to: Vorador's Mansion - Legacy of Kain Defiance
  • Reading: /
  • Watching: Definitely not Zootopia (tries to looks innocent)
  • Playing: /
  • Eating: /
  • Drinking: Developed a Fanta fetish as of lately XD
This time, it's my grandfather; though in that case, unlike my father, this one has been predicted since having been delievered earlier in hospital this time around. And unlike with my father, I'm not as much shaken for various I wish not to address as for now until later on.

Since my grandmother's disability in mobility and lack of interest of my grandfather's 2nd (not blood-related) son, it thus falls upon me, yet AGAIN, to take care of all matters at hint which, regarding my resolve for DA-stuff, has to be pushed over once more - at least a week - 'til everything's taken care of; even if I can say this time around that I'm not at fault in this this time around.

So, my family continues to cripple down - first my mother, then my father, now my grandfather - even if the relationship hasn't been best with him, hence me not as shaken this time around and, if so, only for my grandmother's sake right now.

Aside of my few relatives in Italy (whose relationship happens to be strained since my father's death and which I consider rather nonexistent these days) and near Czech border, for which goes the same, all I have truly left now is my grandmother and my (former) neighbor as best friend of family - once they are gone I truly happen to be all alone then.

Sorry for circumstances not being the best all this time; I really must wonder now how long this has to go on, 'til things finally will calm down, again.

As for me, I internally can only scream: SHIT! :rage:

----

Well, see you around then, I guess... :(
  • Listening to: Try Everything - Zootopia
  • Reading: /
  • Watching: Zootopia (definitely going for round 3 soon)
  • Playing: /
  • Eating: /
  • Drinking: Water (damn heat these days ^^; )
Ok, at least wanting to keep up with schedule this time around, I want to let everyone know that, more or less, the situation regarding my grandparents has been solved for the first round.

Why first? Because the current problem at hand happens to be this scenario:

About a month ago, my grandfather has been transferred to hospital, again, due to breathing issues.

With him having received a stroke about 7 years ago + having both of his legs cut off in 2010 and '11 respectively due to diabetes issues, his condition hasn't belonged to one of the best physically. However, with said breathing issues, he'd been starting having mental-issues as well, leaving everyone with the firmset notion that he's under no condition for my grandam to take care of him any longer, thus ambitions coming to rise in transfering him into a senior home for good now.

Regarding that, my grandmother wanted to take over all administrative responsibilities alongside her already exisiting physical ones as well (a position that was originally hold by my father beforehand) and thus made a request to do so towards appropriate authorities in charge.

However, due to not farring physically better as well (the single greatest handicap here being not being able to walk long distances due to her feet being filled with water to the point of almost not fitting in a shoe any longer (only farring so well to move around in her flat unhindered to explain said mindset in her resolve better)), those plans most likely are fated to fail next time ahead, thus having to be assigned by a custodian by the state alongside my grandfather eventually.

Since I'm still living with her (due to new legislative issues having meanwhile arised preventing me from finding my own place to life for as long as I'm not with hook-up next time ahead (either an apprenticeship or a confirmation to allow me to start a studentship or something) as per rules by my employment office I had to turn myself in a few weeks ago), this could also affect me to some extend as well - financially wise, but rather more significantly in regards of losing my current roof over my head in case the eventual custodian to come in is to decide that my grandmother is in no position to sustain herself any longer and thus end up being transferred over to senior home as well, leaving me most likely unable to continue living in her flat any longer due to her landlord most likely not allowing me to take over the flat on the grounds on having no stable income as for now.

However, this sounds worse as it is, since all measures on my side and my 'good friend' are currently undertaken in order to prevent such fate from coming to pass and allow for things to be carried over as humane as possible.

----------------------
Well, this, in coercion with being occupied in still writing/sending out application after application while also still taking care of the one or other bureaucracy popping up regarding the overall situation here and then (no, in that case, I don't mean my father with that explicitly, but rather the overall situation regarding me, my parents, grandparents and the like in general when something like that) and, more significantly, currently taking in a paid internship under someone I already had been under as part of my overall school education way back in 2011 'til end of this month (= 29th July 2016), had mostly been the reason why I had been forced to postpone overall matters currently less significant ahead (comparitively that is) - in that case, especially, the 'talk' I wanted to start since last Friday.


And while I hate doing this, but still, based on the overall situation at hand currently, I have been fighting with and wanted to execute now to postpone said 'talk' for one last - this time not out of an emergency reason, but rather out of a pragmatic one this time around.


Thing is I want to do this the right way. That isn't necessarily supposed to be taken in here as novel long expositions (which could happen, of course, but still, I'd try my best not letting things escalate that much, again), but rather that I simply don't want to smack something here just for the sake of having something and be done with it - especially if having you left in the air without any (real) explanation for a good deal of time ahead - but to do it sincerely.

But with the current stress still ongoing, this is exactly what would come to pass where I to start writing something up now just for the sake of having kept up with my schedule.

However, while I still have a good deal of my plate now, time - or rather circumstances brought up by society as a whole - would soon pass my a breather for summer break in August when

1. My internship would end (end at 31th of July officially :XD: )
2. I wouldn't be forced in having to participate in my application program around that time ahead while awaiting for final results to come in for possible start of education in either employment or studies for 2016
3. Bureaucracy matters in either direction would die down for that time-span ahead (aside of the stuff involving my grandmother which, however, would then keep my involvment within that one limited aside of what I already explained earlier)

All in all this means, I'd have time, to finally take over and cover up fractions I was/had been/still am being (as for now) forced to neglect in favor of taking care of those other issues at hand - in that case, largely everything involving my lack of participation within the community as a whole.

And it'd be around that time span, in those 4 weeks, I would finally be able to settle the most dire of scores I/circumstances created in regards of neglecting the DA-Community and community as a whole.

This would definitely lead to a clean proper solvement of things I had been forced to leave up in the air - in that case, definitely said 'talk' I had pushed over for so long, catching up with stuff and, depending on outcome of said 'talk', perhaps first starting over with smaller-scaled projects ahead, again, indepenetendly on the direction.


While, again, I'm well aware this might be taken in anything but lightly for a good deal of reasons and I do hear you out on this as well (if rather in thought than in correspondences as I didn't have that much to read upon that one yet), I'd like to think this to be a better overall solution rather than, again, just smack up something just for the sake of keeping my part of deal the way it originally had been cast, as I had mentioned earlier.

Either way, I'll look foreward towards a pretty good resolve ahead soon and well, until then, try everything (yeah still up with that one, sue me :XD: )
  • Listening to: Try Everything - Zootopia
  • Reading: /
  • Watching: Zootopia (definitely going for round 3 soon)
  • Playing: /
  • Eating: /
  • Drinking: Water (damn heat these days ^^; )
from making afromentioned 'small series' this weekend. Another urgent matter - this time concerning my grandparents (if, at least this luckily enough, not to the same extend as my parents, but still on a bad level nonetheless) - came up shortly a few days ago which is currently forcing most of my attention towards to and with most of it going to find its resolve on next Monday.

This is not - and I repeat it - this is not an excuse for not making my schedule yet again nor do I want to/will make use of this in order to avoid having to write things.

I'm going to have to slightly move things a bit, yes, but I'm going to catch up on it as soon as the current crisis involving said grandparents happens to be resolved by Monday; starting latestely by Wednesday then.

I'm sorry for this shortcoming notice and hopefully it will be understood for the time being.

Thx for taking your time and hopefully for a better update/explanation on things soon...
  • Listening to: Try Everything - Zootopia
  • Reading: /
  • Watching: Zootopia (definitely going for round 3 soon)
  • Playing: /
  • Eating: /
  • Drinking: Water (damn heat these days ^^; )
Ok folks, it's almost 3 months again since I updated anything last upon my situation, its outcomes and eventual forthcomings in regards of future developments both privately and otherwise (which, ironically enough given my previous one, actually had wanted to avoid; however, given recent developments I'm going to talk about this time around prevented me from doing so earlier - reasons I'm certain to be definitely be more understandably this time around...) - sorry for the delay regarding that.

I must admit that, even now - after recent developments and rather positive achivements I meanwhile managed to make the last months ahead - I still find myself in difficulty/troubled writing these lines and/or start speaking openly about my struggles the past years following the overall chaos (if partially accidentally) created/left behind by my parents as well as feeling for my own amibitions having indirectly added to the overall problem presented to me/us nowdays.

I guess one reason might be that, to some degree, I still find myself guilty for things having gone so much downhill the last years.

Though talking about 'guilt' here isn't supposed to indicate the same as 'responsible' - and not for my parents either; that's something I've repeatedly been reminded of not being so, for I've been as much of a victim within the overall picture as they had been - plus that it's been anything but in my power to stop them from perticularily destroying themselves (which I, too, had been told and forced to accept that both of them had tendencies for doing so; even if more on my mother's side than my father's (for he, too, had basically been a victim in almost the same role as me, hence his dead comparitively having hit much me harder when it came to pass (the fact that I had gotten over my mother's passing at the time might have had a hand in this as well, admittably))).

No, if so, then it's supposedly guilt about decisions entirely made up on my own the last years that I feel like may come to bite me in the back now to some degree and of which I feel pretty much conflicted about these days for various reasons because of.


And so, all in all, believe it or not, it's both for that as well as, currently, for practical reasons (which I'll come to talk about shortly) that still leaves me incapitated upon my overall inactivity around here for as long as they don't happen to be solved - a matter I'm afraid only I'll be able to counter and put to rest eventually with the right assistance ahead sooner or later (given current developments rather the former, though).

However, while I'll still be rather forced to rather keep you up to date with this one-sided message of sorts I want to at least compensate for it by wanting to start sticking true to my promise given about half a year ago and start trying to talk more openly about things struggling me both currently as well as in long-term now as already hinted at earlier.

Since this will be anything but little to cover up eventually, I'll have to split that one up by 2-3 parts in order to do so properly; starting today with - in order to ease you trouble about reading another overhauling long journal, again - a summary about shortly-received achivements on private front before getting on with recent discoveries that have left a great impact on me in return + openly talk about all things I reclined doing so 'til now the next weeks ahead. Based on eventual lenght of these (which I still gotta figure out how), these might come in from all 1 to maximal 2 weeks from here on which in turn means I'm at least going to post more frequently in that direction, again, if not within the other, most likely more anticipated one.

I'm well aware that this is definitely something none of you are likely looking foreward to - propably also because these might include the one or other information within you'd rather be spared from having to know in favor of other things - and I'm sorry for that.

But if I don't, I don't think anyone's going to truly understand the reasons why I can't simply ditch things up and down and make a return just because of, since there meanwhile happens to be more than one reason now things have become so difficult for me to just do so. At least I can only hope for your understandement and be grateful in case so.


Now then, I guess it's time to move on with actual updates at hand now:


1. So first of all, I'm still living within my grandparents' flat as for now based on
- having had difficulties finding a new place to live in for reasonable rents (which in my hometown of sorts rather happens to be a difficult factor; though, hopefully, I'll get to resolve this next weeks/months (2) ahead now)
- having been forced to attend focus mostly elsewhere as I'll get to shortly
=> And since I've been mostly confined to a small room with only the barest of necessities while as good as all of my equipment happens to be stored in my former home's garage (which has been allowed for me to keep my stuff in 'til I find something appropriate), that happens to be the main actual reason why I'm currently left unable to truly start working on anything else, again (aside of sketching, alright, but that can only do so much now, can it?), 'til this matter happens to be solved sooner or later... :(

2. Luckily enough, though, the overall issue with the loose internet collection happens to be solved now which means I'll be able in receiving/overviewing messages + events more frequently, again (even if I still may be too caught up at times to respond properly doesn't mean I at least am not aware of it and won't try to get back at you in some way or another (and that's one of the additional things bugging me of which I'll come to closer talk about next time ahead :invisible: ))

3. I've meanwhile managed to finalize my Abitur (or well, most recent graduation ^^; ) within a course of 3 months now following my forced departure from my parents' home which has played one of the more outstanding factors for my most recent inactivity for basically having had to go through all tests I had cover up for forciably having had to call in sick for such a long time to go after all bureaucracy matters following my father's passing all on my own and basically having had to go through things from scratch in such a short time (where the normal norm would have been for 9 months to go after this instead of 3 as in my case) again. Next week I'll get to collect said certificate which definitely is going to put an end to my long-lasting scholaric career now and it's done from there on.

4. In return for that, though, I'm mostly struggling for direct link-up now that I'm through, since, again, I had to assert focus mostly elsewhere and thus only had been able to start involving myself with applications and the like rather this late. While I had said in my previous journal that I'd be starting an education as management assistant in wholesale and foreign trade this September, things have become less clear since then as there had been no signed contract as for now yet and me still having to clear things out with my potential boss regarding that ahead (whose relationship happen to be difficult with since he's supposedly distant family to make matters simple).

At the moment, I can't tell yet what's going to happen yet, whenever I get such education for this year yet or if I'm gonna start studying (either within Media-Informatics as I had planned to do so 2 years before but got rejected or, as had been in mind since the last year now, to become a teacher eventually) or if I'll have to postpone things ahead 'til 2017 and get by with mini-jobs 'til then. Only time can tell.

Potentially, I might get to start one such mini-job starting by 11th within a faction I used to take in an internship at the beginning of my art-education 3 years ago, but since things, too, haven't quite cleared out yet, I remain rather passive about it this time around.

-----------------------------------------
Well that was about everything I was generally going after the last weeks - for this time around, I'm going to leave it with this general summary about what I've been forced to go after and still will have to next time ahead, while starting with the more 'personal' stuff within the next journal ahead (which, based on earlier explanation, will either come around the same time next week or the week after latest).

Now, aside of the reinseration of being happy to answer as good as any question ahead, I guess there's nothing else to be add in from my side as for now until (hopefully soon) next time ahead - at least not in that direction, I guess. :invisible:

-----------------------------------------

On a more positive note, though, I have been able to at least get a bit of my mind off in those few spare moments I've (had) these days/weeks by watching Zootopia recently - admittably the first time I've dared to do so for years and for a Disney film nonetheless (in Germany, we're going to receive the DVD in about 2 weeks first, which means I've been watching it in cinema recently) - especially after all the Frozen hype the last years before.

Admittably having been sceptical about it first, I was quickly proven wrong the first session around (the first of 2 eventually ^^; ) and was quickly charmed by it - at least it certainly did have a good deal of funny moments and certainly brought its points across without being (too) anvilicious about it; needless to add the dynamic brought upon by both its main protagonists of which I can very well relate to why they're getting shipped with so frequently, but I digress.

In my case, though, it may be to little surprise now that the aspect of "try everything" (no matter what's thrown against you in live, no matter if relatable to cases like mine, worse or in general) would ultimately prove to be the one to inspire and motivate me the most (needless to add it being quite catchy imo) to keep going, no matter what. :)

So, guess better to things here, I think and, well...

Try everything, folks... :rofl:



*Edit 1: Damn, seems that journal turned out much longer than anticipated; sorry folks ^^;
*Edit 2: What? About 800 have read the previous journal in the meantime? Damn... :omg:
  • Listening to: Try Everything - Zootopia
  • Reading: /
  • Watching: Zootopia (definitely going for round 3 soon)
  • Playing: /
  • Eating: /
  • Drinking: Water (damn heat these days ^^; )
Well, as the title already puts it well, it's been 3 months, again, without any catch-up on what's been going on since the overall incident (aside of the deleted-short live Dragon's Lair promo somewhere in early January, but that one obviously doesn't count here) as well as my promises (to attempt) my best in order to clear up all mess-ups caused by this, but also what's been going wrong in regards of my (da(-friends)-)involvment in general. There's no excuse to this, I know.

Admittably, I imagined things to work out (more) smoothly in a much quicker way the more time passes and the more I 'hook off' stuff I'm forced to go through now in order for this overall mess to clean up - only to find myself still fall short even now. Also, I was convinced that things wouldn't be in need to take as much time as they still do and that it'd eventually become easier to eventually talk about, then overcome things and start over.

Oh boy, was I wrong, regarding that... actually, I'm currently at much loss of words now to really know where to start and at the moment, time's still limited to do so out for perhaps more understandable reasons yet to introduce shortly; though I guess the most basic of issues happen to be that one simply can't rewrite about 3 decades in such a short period of time as well as (for me that is) the last 3-4 years having not gone anything, but the way as had been imagined.



Long story short, people, I'm (in a way) still alive, but also still caught up having to 'clean up' much on my parents' side since they... well, I don't really wanna badmouth nor curse their state now, but still... actually have left much of a mess behind which they - partially intentionally, partially out of accident/personal reasons - managed in keeping from me and only happen to come to the surface since their demise - with the one or other matter still occassionally popping up here and then now.

While the most basic deeds have already been hooked off, there are still larger matters forcing my attention now - and be it only based on my own future now rather than (trying to) repair issues of the past.


For now, I'm definitely in my last - AND I really mean LAST - school year now before potentionally starting over with an education as management assistant in wholesale and foreign trade later on.

This proves to be quite a challenging matter since I was in staying away from school for quite some time since I had (and still am (though not to the point of me not being able in going regulary anymore)) to cover up for all those bureaucracy-based matters befalling my father's passing as well as, ultimately, what consequences/secrets arose from their both demise, especially since I actually had to cover up for all of those all on my own since as good as all of my relatives (aside of my grandmother on my father's side currently which I'll get to mention later on) basically don't give a shit about me (aside of putting in their 'dear' condolensces quite at the beginning, but those happen to be nothing more than empty words) - however, I still manage ok, though.

As said, my relatives have been anything, but a help to me - only my (former as I'll get to mention shortly) neightbor who (kinda) used to be a friend of my parents has been there for me since the beginning and still does coach me in the most dire matters whenever possible - if it weren't for him and his uplifting character, I'm not even sure I'd be sitting here typing this down now; but not to be (too) pessimistic, that's also a thing of the past now (mostly... ^^; ).

Anyway, as far as I had managed in becoming more stable, again, the last 2-3 months, the more the opposite occured since parts of what I still have to cover up on my parents' side managed in escalating latestely since 1st April - with me ultimately having been kicked out of my former family's home for various reasons and thus having been stuck in a state of limbo ever since.

Currently, I happen to live with my grandmother (god bless her soul on this) until I manage finding something new - but until that, times happen to be rather rough for various reasons (including said finding/moving, school tests, hooking off what's left of my parents' side and a good deal of other, though, less significant matters as for now).

Also, since she doesn't happen to have any internet connection (as for now), chances will become even more slimly for me to really get into action (no matter which direction), this fast, again (at least, not until I, again, manage in finding something eventually).


So, well... dunno what else I could/should add up here aside of being sorry for the one-hundred-thousand-time since about the 3 last years now (which recently, I was and still am sculded for whenever I supposedly do that as part of my overall (re-)coaching/(re-)integration into society, but of which I still feel inclined to here and then, if having become less urging the last weeks ahead.

But at least for all of those (few) who still happen to wait for any (large) life signal from my side or to become more involved in activities, again (at least I hope the ones meant by this happen to catch my drift here without being forced in having to directly 'tag' them for it... :invisible: ), at least now happen to have feedback from my side, again, what's still currently going on (and/or the next time ahead) and the reasons for my still existing disability in truly getting back onto the roll, again.

I'll be happy to answer any kind of question, though, - however, regarding that, I've to warn those beforehand that, since out of lack of internet-connection as for now (and me operating from school computers as for now), I'll not manage in reading your questions until the next day (and also solely if I manage in getting into a room here and then; though not to worry, that's supposedly not going to take longer for me to come back at you than 2 days at maxinum...)


Well, aside of that, I do hope that this kind of update happens to be of some help/enlightment, especially towards those still waiting for me to eventually come back at them for various reasons (again, I hope those I try to address here manage in catching me drift, but well...) and hope that the next time I'll post a journal-update (which I also hope won't have to wait for another 3 months in order to do so), it'll be much more positive than this (currently) happens to be...

So, well, see you around, I guess...
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... well, at least as good as any (though, personally, the 'happy' happens to be only relative for me this time around, but not as bad as you might think) - but at least I now have good reason to replace that last rather depressing journal with a more 'upbeat' one (again, relative here...) :)

Well, on the bright side, there's little to nothing that could happen within the new year around that could prove to be as devastating as the last 2 had been now - aside of course if I were to die now given my family's inner sanctum (= parents + me), but that seems rather obscure to me, but in the end who knows?

So aside from previous paragraph, while not necessarily in party mood, again, given this and last year's context, still, I look rather positively foreward to the new year and the future ahead where there won't be any reason for sulking or depression anymore and I finally can break out of my shell and find my way to be who I was/am supposed to be rather than what people had to endure with me last years... Aww 


So, with little else to add on that, I raise my glass on this toast :drunk: , a little smirk of appreciation and gratitue on my face as I declare:


:party: Happy New Year everyone! :party:
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... well, sorta. This very incident has taken place 2 hours after I wrote my last journal, however I waited for this day so that the one before could stay as it is for a longer time period.

Long story short, I was away at Christmas to visit other relatives near Czech border this year and was left suspicious that upon my return yesterday, one of my last 2 remaining cats in my overall household - one very affectionate - would not come to me (though since he's somewhat moody at times it depents).

It's only after said journal that I'd start looking after him only to find out that he's swallowed a ribbon string while I was gone I had thrown into garbage since it had been too short to wrap in one of my cousins twice removed's present; forcing me in driving him over to emergency hospital immediately.

As far as current stands happens to be, he's operated and (as for now) fine by normal standarts - though on that, vet hasn't given green light yet that he's over the edge, so..




Well, what to say - bad luck, again, I guess :no: ; though in that case I might be to blame as well since I had been adviced about 2 weeks ago to give them away since they would cope with the overall situation even worse than I did and yet I couldn't bring it over myself to do so based on my inability in cutting off last ties to the family or the past.

But now, after this incident, I'm ready to do so now - even if I'll have to wait now 'til the patient returns and has mostly recovered... :no:

Despite the odds, thought - don't let that ruin your Christmas mood Christmas Tree Santa Clause (that goes for me as well regarding that!)
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... even if a bit late from my side, admittably - but at least it's the thought that counts.... ^^;

Update: OMG, I can't believe it! Just checked in my messages only to find these wonderful gifts done by both :iconirishbrewinc: (=> Getting Nogged off of Eggnog on Christmas Eve by Irishbrewinc )and :iconswieden: (=> Christmas Gift by Swieden ) (whose relationship at first might not have been as much apparant as my longtime friends with :iconirishbrewinc: and :icondarth-drago: had been, but is there for special reasons nevertheless)

Really, guys - I don't know what to say, despite the odds, you managed it in moving me to tears :sniff: (even if I didn't want to - but then, again, since they're tears of blissfulness rather than ones of sorrow, I think it's only fair) ; really, that's been quite moving to me :iconiloveyouplz: - really guys, thank you so much for that :icongrouphugplz:
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- at least as crazy as it might be this year... ^^;
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