Admittably, while having been able in cooling down a good deal upon the last days following much stressful ones, still, there's so much left in the open for me I wish I'd have managed in wrapping up before this year's end only to fail and be it mostly to be blamed on having to constantly fight on two battlefields at the same time - the one most nerve-cringing being the struggles of live as millions have to take on every day (and sure same millions doing so much worse than me) and preventing me from properly wrapping up those other matters found within the 2nd battlefield, ultimately.
Because of, it still happens to fall a bit hard on me focusing my thoughts even writing down this journal or rather rally my memories in regards to how all those last months went by (especially since the last time I truly did write a serious journal - as in since April then), so, even in spite of, I hope you'll bear with me if I'm going to do this now in a more summarized manner now than usual (though I guess this happens to come with much applaus/relief rather than anything out of my still not shaken off tendencies overblowing journals or keep myself more poignant/spared with my usage of word-count, ultimately).
Well, for one thing, especially around the time I last wrote my journal - aka April to May, I'd certainly find myself improving within my overall developement opening up towards others and become more advancing towards them and/or develope bonds with others.
Mostly, my side-job serving as secretary/accountant hybrid of sorts within a small private art/design school/studio (the same one I'd once undergo an internship as part of my newfound scholaric education those last 5 (normally 3, though, if not for all my private struggles and well-mantained connections with school staff basically allowing me in retaking those 2 final years respectively) would allow (or rather force ) me in opening up more towards fellow academic-colleagues and students undergoing the same path I once had to as well as lots of other customers of any age group a lot more than I ever could before, this in turn ultimately improving my levels of confidence within my enviromnent than ever in the past, granting me a newfound extend of authority and outward presentation/self-esteem I may have had to some degree before, but never this loose and surely not with same confidence to boost as more presently nowadays.
In that same vein, I'd ultimately manage in somewhat repairing an older based friendship in real live I managed in developing all on my own way back in 12th grade 3 years before instead of all those either 'fabricated' ones from my mother's end or ones non-existing, in the first place, only when having had to abandon same one back then out of my mother's growing jealousy in me finally developing some extend of backbone and start rebelling towards her years of manipulation and emotional abusement/blackmailing (again, all I once would refuse talking about even on the net, back then all labelled as 'arguments within the family' while nowadays I don't give a d*mn in the slightest anymore doing so, refusing in letting me bind down from such cases even posthumonsously ) and for her declining physical and psychological health ultimately forcing me to such (though same friendship with her still remains rough at times when she in turn happens to be a bit more 'assertive' and unpredictable within her expressions of emotions and me not always knowing how to best act around her, ultimately (or rather my difficulties now suddenly supposedly to know entirely how to assert oneself social-wise beyond the basics and thus how to behave/let loose around others when never having had a chance to truly do so before (safe for here (= DA), but that one still different compared to real-live, regardlessly )).
In relations to that, I'd come to enter some sort of 'post-puberty' of sorts as I'm gonna put it now as - mostly through same interactions with same students within same side-job - I'd ultimately come to develope a certain stand of 'sexual awakening' of such or, desire, rather to seek out what I consider my potential 'complement', a developement of sorts that'd sure catch me quite off-guard back then out of my rather thoroughly maintained 'asexual stand' 'til then (definitely not helped by the fact of my past experiences with girls, no matter the age, surely not having been great, but more dark ones either in my memory (and no, I certainly mean not in the way of the typical "boy tries wooing a girl only to ultimately embarass himself" kind of way (that'd have been the kind and more natural way to go (= again, social isolation preventing me from such)), but rather in having been as equally bullied by them for quite some time, stamped as 'weirdo' and 'freak' to be avoided at all cost, ultimately)).
This then newfound desire I ultimately deduce from the fact that, safe for my mentor-like figure of sorts (aka my (ex-)neighbor long mentioned in the past), my grandmother and potentially my so far sole true friend in real live, I practically happen to be all alone without much additional sources to rely on in real-live (again, emphasis on real-live, as, while I definitely consider here many as friends, it's regardlessly virtual and different, just not managing in remotely capturing all features that can be found within same real world, ultimately) (the rest of my family (safe for my mother's side of the family which I still am not fond of either after everything that happened between us and what I'd come to learn of them over the years, especially around the time my father died), I did manage in forging a well bond in the meantime as well, but with them out of reach most of the time, this supposedly not upholding much either, in the long run) which would ultimately form a sort of pressure in my mind having to develope a newfound friendship and, subsequently, deepgoing love-circle, eventually, so I'd have people at my side I could truly care about and - especially in regards towards a potential partner - love close to what I once had for my parents (in perticular my father, my mother, in spite of having meanwhile forgiven her for what she's done, still less so/differently out of same experiences still strong in memory, regardlessly) and, most poignantly, rely on in darker times - this one especially important out of the fact that, with her being the last out of our 'five-band' as I'll refer to it now (aka my parents, grandparents from my dad's side and me) and with me maintaining quite such a close bond to her in equal share as towards my father (well, surely helped by him having taken much after her ), it'll certainly pull me down into quite a dark place, again, as had my father's demise way back - with hers much more guaranteed to take place in soon upcoming years than his (hopefully not so soon; 5-10 would be best for sure, but still... ) - and me not knowing whenever I manage going through the same amount of agony then as I had 2 years ago now, hence this all having ultimately formed up, in the process.
Unfortunately, though, I'd quickly have to see the folly behind my actions as - even though most of same groups of interns ultimately happen to be made up by girls most of the time (out of the art-based/design direction ultimately being more favored by same ones it seems (the most boys we used to have in a class back then would ultimately only be 7 then - 7 against, what, 28 or such?)) - I couldn't possibly hope to form such a deepgoing bond with them and be it only a friendship-based one - the reasons for such mostly being made out of them mostly interacting in ways I never could've hoped to keep up with (which I nowadays happen to understand better, though), but especially in regards to age, with the difference between them and me just being too great to overcome (most of them would ultimately happen to be 16 at the time of joining us, 16-18 being the ultimate range (a rare case being 19 at most), so, especially in regards towards my own recent birthday, you can see where the basic problem lies (yes, this having been something, I, too, would initially grow repulsed myself of for being attracted to such (not helped that some of them would ultimately claim in at least having had something with someone around my age by that point already), but given my upbringings and such, I'm meanwhile not surprised anymore that such a thing would come to take place, especially since this happens to be a thing for the past for me, again, out of reasons to be eventually disclosed))). This all wouldn't be helped by the fact that, next towards my secretary/accountant-based positions, I also happen to hold on towards a teaching position of sorts (also not helped in, too, having to grade same interns within, eventually), so this all would additionally gnaw on me for quite some time (something I nowadays consider quite ironic now, given my past aspirations of becoming a teacher only now having had to go through all the same troubles most of male teachers would ultimately be stereotyped with (all ultimately not helped by those astrocities brought upon by the Weinstein scandal back when all this had been much more relevant to me as nowadays )).
Ultimately, though, once fully coming to terms with my reasons for doing so, I'd eventually manage growing out of same one as of roughly 2-3 months ago, managing in coming to full-terms with all of same newfound dispositions and desires and reprioritizing myself, aspiring in letting things develope more naturally, again, than enforce same ones (especially for afromentioned reasons) while at the same time not caring anymore who the 'complement' will eventually be and in what range in case so, in the end (at least if it still remains somewhat reasonable, especially given my continous developing age to be especially considered here) (yeah and so as to finally clarify here in what goes for my recent journal supposedly playing up all those big mysteries behind my cryptic messages and inclusions of a peculiar artwork done for me by supposedly hinting at something 'certain' in regards towards my overall developements, nope, this has been all about it, nothing else, only this, so for those who might have wondered about 'something else', I'm afraid the joke's ultimately on you there ).
Well, aside of that, most of the time I'd still tinker onto my 'writing-project' of sorts those months, having barely managed in wrapping up Chapter IX out of XII for my main actress now among other reasons, still refusing in undergoing any other activity, again, until I finally happen to be through with it the way it was originally planned - a circumstance that almost renders me depressive as of yet, again, out of having hoped in finishing things for real this year and ultimately starting the next one with a complete clean slate and purified spirit of sorts only when still being not the case for about 4 years now out of real live, among other, less time-consuming events, always managing in getting in the way of ultimately wrapping things up in a quick way, eventually (with my refusal of not letting go of also ultimately based on therapeutic reasons of sorts, not wanting in leaving things unfinished out of those very reasons, ultimately).
Well, aside of that, that's actually it as many other factors still happen to remain largely unchanged, as in:
- still living within the same household already proclaimed in the past (and thus inability setting up stuff to properly work on things, again)
- still searching for proper job/application training, preferably something within government or what reflects my skills best while still providing with steadyiness to some degree
- still continuing my studies, to be finished by 2019, ultimately, if unchanged
So, all in all, it's been a rather meek year now with little success to boot as of yet, though in regards to real live matters I've more favoribly come to terms with things out of seeing that, for the most part
- 2015-16 would rather mark the years where I'd rather have to fight for existential surviving without my parents' aid and secure a future I still could live in, even at the price of having had to forsake everything else in regards to coping much in regards towards all the grieving aspects and the like, those rather to be taken in by
- 2017 now where I'd finally (for the most part) be left with the time to truly come to terms with things as well as grow/develope in my persona in general and regain some of my old strenght/firmness, again, I emotional-wise wouldn't have nearly as much way back in 15-16 (and arguably even before then)
only remaining somewhat depressive about not having managed in cracking the big nut in regards towards personal projects - in peculiar afromentioned 'writing job' - and overcoming myself in many a guise within that kind of direction, ultimately.
So, all in all, for me, 2018 will supposedly mark the year now where I'll finally be able in most likely solving all of my remaining problems for good then, certainly in regards of finding a job then or at least something that will help me in that direction (with me already having such an option for, while my current side-job happens to find its closure in next March out of the school supposedly closing then (out of my boss having reached his 70s now and supposedly not finding anyone to take over for him (me included)), I already have managed in forging newfound contacts through him (sorta) towards local press through which I've meanwhile received an internship offer in return from their side of things (the potential of ultimate take-over/job offering most likely existent within as well then )), as well as finally finishing that very 'writing-project' that happens to tie me down so much in those last years now, still making up part of my 'old' live still to overcome for tying me down and all of my potential/further developements in character/personality (which is also one of the reasons why I'd step down from my pursue of further friendship/love-interests, for as long as that peculiar task happens to exist and/or me not seeking out potential 'assistance' in regards towards my (if not as severe as in 15-16 thanks to said job) still existing social disabilities of sorts, I'll never fully manage in successfully forming such bonds nor overcoming myself, ultimately)).
Well, this will certainly render 2018 quite an interesting, yet (hopefully) active year, again, eventually.
So, how has your year been? What happen to be your resolves for the next one ahead?
You certainly can add your thoughts in the comments and let me know if you want (or you can do the same within a poll I'm going to release later on).
For all of you, I certainly wish a Happy New (and hopefully successful) Year and good luck within same one, ultimately!